The Center for Disease Control (CDC) is reporting 161 cases of salmonella “Saintpaul” infection in over 16 states, including Oregon. The suspected spreader of the sickening fecal bacteria has been narrowed down to raw, uncooked tomatoes, though they’re not sure which tomatoes.

Our Suspect?

They do know which tomatoes aren’t spreading salmonella. This list from the AP article:

Cherry tomatoes, grape tomatoes, tomatoes sold with the vine still attached and homegrown tomatoes are likely not the source of the outbreak…

Also not associated with the outbreak are raw Roma, red plum and round red tomatoes from Arkansas, California, Georgia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Belgium, Canada, the Dominican Republic, Guatemala, Israel, Netherlands and Puerto Rico, according to the U.S. Food and Drug Association.

So, obviously these are terrorist tomatoes that have somehow sneaked past our nation's defenses, meant to bring the American bruschetta industry to a screeching halt. Has anyone warned Mario Batali? Damn that Osama! If they’ve gotten our tomatoes, what’s next, uncooked chicken? I now see it as my patriotic duty to only make bruschetta from tomatoes that I have personally stolen from my neighbor’s garden. It’s the only way to beat them. Now, could you pass the mozzarella and the olive oil? Thanks.