Old Man River: Floodwaters are inundating counties in Illinois after breeching (or breaking through) levees there. Thousands of acres of farmland will be flooded. Downstream, Iowans breath a sigh of relief, "Thanks for taking that sewer infested soggy bullet for us, neighbors."
Oil: Bush wants congress to okay offshore drilling. The idea would be to increase domestic production and decrease imports, hopefully bringing down gas prices. Confused, gay yachtsmen release statement saying they did not realize there was a ban on offshore drilling.
Tiger: Tiger Woods will miss the rest of the 2008 golf season. After playing 91 holes last week, winning the U.S open against Rocco Mediate, Woods decided to get knee surgery which would preclude him from playing anymore majors this year. Finally, someone else will get a chance to win.
Crop Circles: Aliens are apparently fond of Pi. At least that is the conclusion of scientists who have decoded this crop circle found in the farmlands of England. Apparently it represents the first ten numbers of Pi, the ratio of the circumference of a circle to the diameter.
I think it's the most unappetizing pie I've ever seen!