• Barack Obama opts out of the federal campaign public financing system, since… well… the public is already happily financing him, right?
• If elected, John McCain vows to build 45 nuclear reactors by 2030 (presumably to provide power, rather than blow the shit out of the middle east).
• Suffering from devastating floods, residents of Iowa welcome President Bush, who—surprise—left his disaster relief checkbook back at the White House.
• A Gladstone, Oregon teen dies because his stupid family belonged to a stupid "faith-healing" religion that denied him medical treatment. Oh, and this is just a few months after the teen's TODDLER COUSIN also died after being refused treatment for a curable disease. Can we all agree now that prayer DOESN'T work?
• A sixth human foot (not attached to anything) was found on a British Columbia beach, confounding police. Okay, I see Al Pacino as the disgraced cop assigned to the case, with Katherine Heigl as the scrappy forensic scientist/love interest, and … we need an ethnic comic sidekick. Is Chris Tucker available?
• According to Us magazine, Jamie Lynn Spears (the 17-year-old sis to Britney) has given birth to her first bouncing baby hillbilly. (Only 27 more to go, Jamie!)
• Oh, and congratulations also go out to Tori Spelling who had a baby last week as well.
Looks just like her.