Hurricane Dolly unleashes a one-two punch on the U.S. Mexican border. (Has anyone made the joke yet about the hurricane visiting Dollywood? Yes? Hmm... moving on...)

The Olympics Committee will not allow Iraq to compete in this years games -- probably because we've bombed all their best athletes.

Public schools are considering switching to a four-day school week to curb fuel costs, and subsequently, any extraneous learning.

Rapper 50 Cent is angry because Taco Bell allegedly "stole his endorsement." So Fiddy's been shot nine times, and he's making a big deal out of this?

In Portland, 53 bicyclists get "friendly warnings" instead of tickets after running stop sign, which is certainly more effective than the cops' previous method, "friendly taserings."

Portland's own Leanne Marshall got into a spot of trouble last night on Project Runway! Check Marjorie Skinner's "Runway Wrap Up" later today! (But I'm telling you people, it's all because Leanne cut the black model. First rule of reality television, Leanne, "never choose the bitch over the black girl.")

Hey... we've all done it. At one time or another, we've all confused Barack Obama with Osama bin Laden. Happily, Jon Stewart is here to lay out the major differences between the two.