The Mercury has a firm policy of
no fat chicks never negotiating with terrorists.
But last night there was a daring kidnapping during the Willamette Week's First Thursday poster show for Musicfest NW. Their precious iconic letters, seen here in happier times, were kidnapped by armed thugs, possibly some sort of jihadist sect hellbent on the destruction of these poor letters, and possibly, America itself.
This morning we received an unmarked videotape at our offices. Assuming it was homemade pornography we eagerly played it, only to find a very disturbing video, one that shook us to our very soul. As our publication bears the weight of being the moral foundation that this city rests upon, we know that we are placed in a very difficult situation here. If we refuse to bow to the terrorists' demands and not broadcast this video, these poor letters will surely end up floating in the river. Or worse, they'll have to spend eternity ghostwriting columns of Queer Window. That is a fate we wish upon no creature on God's earth. So, with a heavy heart--(and an eye on a Pulitzer (they love this shit)--we bring you the shocking ransom video of the Musicfest letters:
The terrorists have promised to send us updates on the letter's condition as the day progresses.
God help us all.