LEAPS AND BOUNDS!!! The Dow Industrial Average rises 300 points on the first minute's trading. Too bad for those who pulled their money out last Thursday.

MINI MADGE!!! Madonna is dressing her daughter up in her clothes all the time. Perhaps she needs a stand-in for the next tour.

SNF1428LOU-280_614649a.jpg

LOURDES: IS STILL 12. STANDARD AGE FOR BRITISH TABLOIDS TO START "PHWORING" IS 14...

NEVER TOO FAT TO DIE!!! Ohio executes a murderer and rapist after denying his appeal that he was too obese for the lethal injection. Sean Connery asks whether they could rename Never Say Never Again, based on this headline.

OBSCENE!!! Obama supporters hit back at the Republican vice presidential nominee with "obscene t-shirts," featuring "the most derogatory term for womanhood that there is," says Fox news. I wonder: Does this count as "gotcha" journalism? One, two, three...Palin is a...

RINGO STAR-STRUCK!!! The last surviving Beatle wants no more of your fan mail. "It will end up in the trash," he says.

MICKEY MOUSE REGISTERED TO VOTE IN FLORIDA!!! Acorn has some explaining to do.

Good day.