The numbers are in, and last night's 30-minute Obama infomercial pulled in an impressive 26.3 million viewers, outperforming shows normally placed in that time slot. In your FACE, Knight Rider!

Relax, Portland! The Blazers' Greg Oden has a mid-lateral right foot sprain and is only expected to miss two to four weeks of games. However, to make up for all his lost games, he'll have to play ball until he's 75.

Some team named the Phillies won the World Series -- but get this! Last night at the weekly Mercury Bowling League, I had my highest bowling score yet! 143!! WOOT!! Let's turn over a fucking car!

U2 frontman Bono said today that next week's presidential election gives our country a great chance to "relaunch Brand USA." Hey, Bono -- why don't you start with relinquishing "Brand Douchebag"?

Today's catchphrase you should adopt as your own: "Google me, you dumb fuck!"

Even if she loses the election (which she will), Sarah Palin says you'll still be seeing her around. (Especially if you buy and put one of these babies up on your wall!)

People who will definitely not be buying S.P.'s calendar? Many in her own party.

In another hilariously awkward John McCain moment, Joe the Not-Really-a-Plumber ditches the candidate during a speech, and leaves him twisting in the wind. (C'mon Joe. You're going to give other fictitious plumbers -- like the Mario Bros. -- a bad name.)