Live from the Rose Garden as the Porland Trail Blazers meet the fiery flames of the Miami Heat. It's gonna be hot. Like Backdraft, but hotter. If that is even possible.
The Blazers looked terrible Monday night against Sacramento, but these days when the team looks terrible, they still find a way to win. Miami, meanwhile, is playing way below their expeditions, but as long as they have Dwayne "Crying in a Wheelchair" Wade, they are a threat.
As Portland remains undefeated at their crib (5-0), a lot has been made of the
fucking dismal inadequate play of Greg Oden. The big fellow has been the glue in the team's gears, and his very presence on the court has signals a parade of awkward fouls, complete lack of scoring, and a lot of falling down. Seriously, gravity is not Oden's friend. The good news for #52 is that the Heat are tiny--that is, if a 6"8 center is considered tiny--and he should offset his constant tumbling over with some dunks.
Could tonight be the night the Blazers move into first place? Will they improve on their lackluster performances as of late? Will Dwayne Wade drop 40 points on the Blazers? Can I eat my weight in tofurkey tomorrow? Not sure on those qther questions, but in the great words of Barry Obama, yes I can.
11:43 - Following Oden getting the ball pawed from his hands--ugh--Batum gets the first basket of the game. Perhaps he is excited for a little frog-on-frog action of going up against fellow countryman Yakhouba Diawara. That might be the first time someone used "excited" and "Yakhouba Diawara" in the same sentence. 2-0 Blazers.
9:41 - I take it all back. Oden with a swat which leads to a quick fastbreak and the Blazers are up 8-0.
8:40 - Batum steals the ball from Wade and finishes with a driving layup. Two points for Batum, but Wade is still $30 million richer. 10-0 Portland.
6:53 - LaMarcus Aldridge looks like he got his shot back. Batum nails a three. Even Oden hits a jumper--no, not a dunk--and this game looks like that Bulls game part two. Portland is dominating. 18-4 Blazers.
3:40 - This game is getting ugly fast. The Blazers are hurling up alley oops, while the Heat might have already just given up. I think Dwayne Wade is already at a bar. Perhaps I'll join him later. 28-8 Portland.
0:22 - Ruuuuddddyyyy! Three pointer for Fernandez and the Blazers are on pace to score 147 points. Miami, meanwhile, is on pace to get 68. Plus they have more fouls than rebounds. Things are looking good, and the halftime show involves dogs. Everything is coming up ME! 37-17 Portland
11:16 - Sergio to Rudy for a reverse alley-oop and a little salt in the Heats' gaping wounds. 39-19 Portland.
8:26 - Midway through the second quarter and Batum is still the game's leading scorer. That makes me very happy. 41-21 Blazers.
7:14 - Rudy para tres. Wait, is that right? No time to look it up, the Blazers keep reeling off the points. 46-25 Portland courtesy of that last three from Fernandez.
4:16 - Here comes the Heat, sorta. Oden gets swatted, Blake loses the ball, and Rudy tosses a bad alley-oop pass, and the Heat take advantage of the Blazers' carlessness and crawl within 14.Not that being within 14 on the road is a good thing, but they'll take what they can get. 47-33 Portland.
0:07 - No one enjoys Oden on the pine like Joel Przybilla, who just might be playing the best basketball of his career as of late. The Vanilla Gorilla is piling on the blocks and rebounds, as Portland's lead teeters between "outright blowout" and "respectable thumping." Your pick. 59-40 Portland.
9:59 - Portland looks a bit flat coming out of the locker room--then again that halftime show had a bunch of dogs running around, so nothing can match that level excitement--with a pair of shot clock violations. 61-44 Blazers.
8:12 - Timeout Portland. The Heat are making their comeback, time to panic. And maybe watch this video. Glenn Frey, what can't you do? 63-49 Blazers.
5:34 - Supposedly former Blazer, and beauty queen judge, Jamaal Magloire caught a dropped-from-the-rafters prize and crushed it from his spot on the bench. Classy. 68-51 Portland.
2:44 - God, I love me some Vanilla Gorilla. After a H-U-G-E block that lead to a Outlaw three pointer, he swats Wade (again), leading to some pushing and shoving and double technical fouls on Przybilla and Wade. He might be a goon, but he's our goon. 76-55 Portland.
10:16 - It's 83-57 Blazers after Portland's best blogger hits a three and this game is heads towards Chalupa territory. Something about the term "Chalupa terrirory" that creeps me out.
Police officer: Where did he touch you?
Me: My...my...my...Chalupa territory! /runs off crying
8:46 - While Roy rests and dreams about stuffing and turkey, Rudy--who cares not for our American holidays--dances all over Miami's grave. After a dribbling exhibition, rebounding his own miss, he knocks back a three. 88-57 Portland.
6:47 - A standing ovation for Pryzilla who sits down for the night after another big block. Oden? I know not whom you speak of. 92-61 Portland.
5:35 - It's nothing but a highlight show right now. Highlight reel drunks, wild three-points, and alley-oops. The Blazers have earned the tryptophan comas they'll all be in this time tomorrow. Somewhere in a dark room Heat president Pat Riley sits alone, crying and obsessive combing his beautiful hair. 94-61 Portland.
3:44 - Is it a dick move to shoot three pointers when you are up 36 points? Don't bother telling Channing Frye, he just hit the Chaulpua bucket for Portland. 100-64.
1:09 - Batum with a dunk and our little French rookie has already eclipsed his career high in scoring with 15 points. Now if someone could just teach him the true meaning of Thanksgiving. 106-68 Blazers.
And that'll do it. The Blazers roll over Miami by a final score of 106-68 to remain 6-0 at the Rose Garden, their best start (at home) in a decade. Goodnight!