If you were to just look out the window right now, you might think, "Hmm, there are two or three inches of snow on the ground." Well, you, as usual, would be 100 PERCENT WRONG. If you're watching the local news, on the other hand—as everyone should be doing, because it is hilarious—you would realize that we are trapped in the midst of an ARCTIC BLAST THAT IS GOING TO KILL US ALL.

FOX 12 and KOIN 6 are, logically showing football right now. But not KGW 8 and KATU 2, both of which are broadcasting nonstop, increasingly frantic reports on the aforementioned two or three inches of snow. Some excerpts from their reportage:

"EVERYBODY'S CRASHING! Well... not everyone. SOME PEOPLE ARE CRASHING!"

"SOME CARS JUST AREN'T ABLE TO NAVIGATE UP THE SLOW GRADES AND UP THE HIGHWAY!"

"SOME CARS ARE DRIVING WITHOUT CHAINS AND WITHOUT PROPER TRACTION!"

"ARCTIC OUTBREAK!"

"I just got SMACKED IN THE FACE WITH SNOW! AGAIN!" (As this reporter says this, it appears the wind is blowing. I assume this is what she's referring to. —Ed.)

"DO NOT GO OUTSIDE!!!"

"KA-WHAMMO! AND NOTHING'S BEEN THE SAME SINCE!"

"WE'LL BE OUT HERE ALL DAY! WE'LL BRING YOU UPDATES!"