We have to hand it to Muntazer al-Zaidi for nearly hitting President Bush with his shoes. However, while his accuracy was nearly spot-on, he used a standard, everyday, regular-issue shoe, which—while suitable for work and play, and nearly undetectable by security—is a poor choice of shoe for both aerodynamics and potential inflicted damage. So, with the holidays coming up, and Christmas lists being prepped, we're excited to share with you the Mercury's handy guide for getting the most out of your shoe throwing! We've got some good, some bad, and some just plain ugly, so read on.
The Switchblade Shoe: Always a good choice, and for obvious reasons. A toss, and a flick of the blade, and your intended target won't stand a chance. The trick is getting the blade to flip out at precisely the moment needed; premature flippage can get you into some serious trouble, not to mention some strange looks. Also comes in handy for scaling walls.
The Birkenstock Sandal: Generally a bad choice, although they are lightweight and easy to slip on and off, for quick-throw situations. And the stink alone can inflict some serious damage.
The Indeterminately Sporty Loopy Shoe-Slipper Thing: We have no idea what the hell this shoe is for, but we imagine it's some extreme sport that we will never, ever participate in. Ice-tidal-wave surf-para-biking, perhaps. But these shoes are excellent for hurling, and the loopy things provide an excellent sling with which to rev up some momentum. With handy, form-fitting loops like these, we imagine David wouldn't even need a slingshot to defeat Goliath!
The Magical Winged Shoe: This is a particularly good choice, especially the enchanted variety where the wings flap of their own accord. Simply whisper your intended target and the shoes take care of the rest! Excellent for your long-distance shoe projectile needs; good for distances up to 6,000 terra-leagues.
The Clown Shoe: You might think this a bad choice: bulky, not aerodynamic, incredibly conspicuous. But there are two important factors to consider. (1) Stealth. No one expects a happy, smiling clown to throw a shoe at someone! So surprise is on your side. (2) Mass. These shoes are fucking heavy. One blow to the cranium, and your intended target doesn't stand a chance.
The Weird Arty Impractical Boot Thing: Bad choice. If you're wearing these, you're more likely to accidentally tip over and crush your intended target than you are to do any damage by throwing them.
The Curly-Toed Elf Shoe: Also another bad choice. While the curly toe could do some painful poking, people just aren't going to take you seriously with this one.
The Gigantic Roller Skate: This is an excellent choice, provided you can find one. The thing's huge! It will crush your target like a gnat. Also, it has wheels so you can make a speedy getaway.
The Snowshoe: Terrible choice, unless you are intending to throw the shoe at your target whilst traversing the Arctic tundra.