The U.S. Captain taken hostage by Somali pirates has been freed in one of the bad-assiest rescues of modern history.

New Jersey representative Donald Payne flew to Somalia "to see firsthand what was happening there," and had his plane fired upon. "Ohhh-kay, think I've seen enough! Let's get out of here guys! (Omigod, it's worse than New Jersey.)"

The Thai Army struggles to keep thousands of protesters under control in "Battleground Bangkok"! (Dibs on that name for the movie.)

Meet the reigning first pooch: Bo, a Portuguese water dog named after Bo Diddley. (Sorry, Monsieur Breedlove, everything's not about you.)

Padma Lakshmi, Chelsea Handler and Eliza Dushku strip for Allure's "Nude Issue." GodDAMMIT, why didn't we think of that first? (Yes, nudie photos are included in that link.)

"Russian Hired Hitman To Kill Own Daughter For Wearing Miniskirt." Daaaaad! You're embarrassing me!

Mel Gibson's wife reportedly files for divorce; Mel's pleas of "Come back to me, Sugar Tits!" go unanswered.

And finally, an Easter miracle: the face of Jesus Christ in a KitKat bar? Give me a break! (Gimme a break! Gimme a break! Break me off a piece of that KITKAT BAR!)