Jobless claims jump to the 6 million mark—but on the upside… okay, no upside yet.

NFL broadcaster John Madden announces his retirement. Can starring in a shitty sitcom be far behind?

Should Texas secede from the United States? Umm… does a jackalope poop in the woods?

Iranian scientists claim they've cloned a goat. Well… Iran loves their goats. In America we would clone either bald eagles or Burger King hamburgers.

Woody Allen says American Apparel is harassing him. They're harassing me, too, with all those hot chicks in sweat socks.

Blazers beat the Nuggets and grab home court advantage in the first round of the play offs! Dry clean your foam fingers!

Don't forget to check out Sarah's hilarious coverage of yesterday's Republican Teabagging Fest. Can someone get those guys a tissue?

The results are in, and here is the winner of the "Most Awesome John Mayer Fan Ever" contest. I do not dispute the result of this election.