The first thing I'd like to say is this: I did not murder Danny Gans, and I did not have Danny Gans murdered.
That being said, you may have noticed in the news today that Danny Gans—"musical impressionist" and the most popular act on the Vegas strip—died at the young age of 52 of mysterious causes.
Now. No one from the Vegas police department has come by the Mercury offices… yet… but I wouldn't be surprised if they did. Because… well… I kinda sorta wrote a TV column last year in which I kinda sorta wished Danny Gans would be… ummm… murdered.
BUT I DID NOT MEAN IT!!! And if anyone starts repeating quotes from that column out of context, you should know that a full reading of what I wrote will exonerate me of any crime that I absolutely did not commit. Now, in context, here's what I wrote:
So here's my plan: I will have Danny Gans murdered.
CRAP! I just took my own quote out of context!! Okay, here's the rest of the quote, which will prove my innocence.
I will have Danny Gans murdered. But first, I will demonstrate to the world that Danny Gans is a charlatan whose so-called "talent" is laughably miniscule compared to the gigantic, throbbing fountain of virtuosity that I regularly spew all over the stage! (Then people won't care so much that he's been murdered.)
Hmm… not so sure that quote exonerates me. How about this one from the same article?
I effing hate Danny Gans, because that jerkwipe has MY mothereffing job! It should be ME on those billboards! It should be ME winning awards! And it should be ME making all those Vegas audiences scream with orgasmic delight at the sheer awesomeness of my entertaining shenanigans.
Okay, my lawyer just called and told me to shut the eff up. However, I would like to note that I did not murder Danny Gans, I did not have him murdered, and I wish I could purge the entire internet of everything I've ever written. And, I will also begrudgingly admit there's the slightest possibility that Danny Gans was more talented than me, and he will be missed.
Sooo… umm… sorry.