On Sunday, Mayor Sam Adams was involved in a minor car-ma accident. CAR-MA? KARMA? GET IT?? (Omigod that was horrible.)

The Chinese have quarantined dozens of visiting Mexicans—even though they show no signs of the Swine Flu virus. Just another of the Many Faces of Racism™.

Mexico lowers their Swine Flu alert from "high" to "elevated." Chinese racism alert stays at "high."

Obama plans on closing tax loopholes for those with bank accounts overseas… HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE!! Does that include the Mercury's secret Cayman Islands account?

Madonna returns to Malawi court today in another attempt to adopt, thereby trouncing Angelina Jolie's record.

A U.S. church asks soldiers in Afghanistan to "hunt people for Jesus." Yeee-HAW! I'm in! Where's mah squirrel rifle?!

New e-readers the size of a sheet of paper are expected to a) be released as soon as next year, b) save the struggling newspaper industry, and c) bring a halt to the ridiculously overused joke about "fishwrappers." YOU PEOPLE DON'T EVEN WRAP FISH!!

David Hasselhoff rushed to the hospital because of alleged alcohol poisoning. Okay… who's been spiking his hamburgers?

And finally, actress/crazy person Denise Richards sings "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." Oh my god. Haven't the Cubbies suffered enough?