Portland's Memorial Coliseum is saved, the new baseball stadium will move to Lents, and Adams' MLS bamboozle remains firmly in place. Distraction successful!

G.M. loses $6 billion in its first quarter, burned through $10.2 billion in three months, and is currently searching for a couple of nickles underneath the couch cushions.

Fighting in Pakistan worsens; up to half a million civilians are on the run.

Dodgers' slugger Manny Ramirez is caught taking performance enhancing drugs, and is sentenced to a 50-game suspension, and incredibly small testicles.

Bernie Madoff's secretary speaks out, and as it turns out, he really liked massage parlor hand jobs. (Financial scammers… so like us.)

Joe the Plumber quits the GOP! (But I'm pretty sure most Republicans are okay with that.)

In the most unsurprising news story of the day, Oprah gives away free coupons to KFC, and a morbidly obese riot ensues.

So why exactly does Miss California Carrie Prejean hate the gays so much? Read this laughably sad story.

And finally, do not miss this amazing footage of an actual Big Foot caught on tape! Now I believe.

I'm sorry.