Seeing as how I've become the unofficial Portland press liaison for Drank, I feel it's my responsibility to inform you that the queasily named anti-energy drink is here... or coming, or something. They've hooked up national distribution with 7-11, and the PR woman excitedly tells me that "Drank is rolling out nationwide as we speak" but when I called the store down the street from the office, the man on the other end had no idea what I was talking about. (He thought I was saying "Brank" and then hung up on me because he had a customer.) Nonetheless, while it may or not be here right this moment, the local invasion of Drank is imminent.

Now, back a few months ago the company sent me a couple sample cans, one of which I gave away, the other of which I passed around at an editorial meeting (amazingly, this did not to my knowledge result in any outbreaks of mouth herpes) for everyone to try, then I killed the remainder, fully expecting it to have zero effect. But, it was shockingly effective. It made me sleepy as hell (although I'm still not sure why that's a desirable effect). I almost nodded off into my bowl of hot pho at lunch that day. So, be careful, kids, and definitely don't Drank and drive. Y'all are a bunch of amateurs on the road as it is.