I’d love to thank my Mom for so many things, but honestly I wouldn’t know where to start. I will say that she happens to be one of the greatest eccentrics that I know, and that my upbringing under her sometimes-hazy gaze was just about perfect. Sure it was occasionally scary, other times painful, but all in all I was relatively safe and well cared for. She gave me just enough leeway to stretch my creativity, didn’t cry when I was romantically involved with a man for five years, and has helped extricate me from more tight spots than I’d care to mention here. So thanks, Mom.

Unfortunately my mom lives far away, and most likely she’ll be taking her annual trip with other mothers to a secluded hot springs somewhere in the mountains of Colorado. So brunch is out of the question. But if you’re planning on taking your mom out, here’s a couple of local eateries that have sent press releases re: their Mom’s Day specials. I know this is a softball post, but it’s Monkey on a Mini-bike Friday and I don’t give a shit. My Mom approves.

St. Honore Boulangerie—Bonne Fete Maman

Serving breakfast all day, St. Honore will be a great place to take your mom if you can convince her to stop obsessing over how many Weight Watchers points she has to record for breathing inside a bakery (.05 if you must know). No, I’m not saying your mom is fat. She’s just voluptuous. Which reminds me, why don’t you gorge her on Brioche Cocottes—a poached egg nestled inside brioche with chive crème fraiche and bacon—then head to the art museum to check out La volupté du goût: French Painting in the Age of Madame de Pompadour at the Portland Art Museum? Then again, that sounds like a terrible, awkward idea. I’ll take her for you. Your Mom will thank me.

Urban Farmer—Mother’s Day Champagne Brunch

Impress your Mom by loading her up with crab and lobster at Urban Farmer, in the airy atrium of the Nines Hotel. The special champagne brunch also has a table for little tykes so they’ll be distracted as mom gets slowly loaded on bubbly. The downside to taking your Mom to the swanky Farmer is that she may be so impressed with how well off you are that she’ll stop sending that monthly sustaining check (which was how you could afford the brunch in the first place). Brunch runs from 10am — 2pm and costs $40 per adult and $20 per child. Call Urban Farmer for reservations. Your Mom really wants jewelry.

Bar Carlo—Brunch (Mom’s Drunken Dream)

You’ve gotta love a special brunch press release that starts off with the following items: champagne mimosas, peach nectar Bellini’s, Bloody Mary’s and other breakfast cocktails. And that’s before they even list the address. If your mom loves booze as much as mine does, then this is her place. If she happens to be a drunk and a vegan, then you’ve totally scored. Bar Carlo claims a shorter wait for tables than other spots with brunch served “all day” (if by “all day” you mean that you begin to get trashed on Bloody’s at 8am and pass out by 3pm). I think I’m going to steal someone else’s Mom just so I can go to Bar Carlo and get drunk. Your Mom needs A/A.

Belly—Brunch (And Other Oddities)

The Belly press release makes a strange, seemingly irrational, jump from personal anecdote to menu description. Then again, I realize that just described like, 89% of my food writing:

Our daughter is now 2 years old and one of my favorite things she is doing now is imaginary play. She loves to pretend that she is the momma and I am the baby. For Momma’s Day we are serving a house smoked salmon omelet, a Dungeness crab cake benedict and a farmer’s omelet of local asparagus, roasted mushrooms and feta.

I have this nightmarish vision of going into Belly to find tables full of mothers and offspring engaging in bizarre role reversal behavior. It haunts me. Still, Belly’s a safe bet. How can you fail with Dungeness crab cake benedict? Plus, the restaurants name will make your mom giggle when she’s pretending to be a 2year old. Shudder. Your Mom loves the Egg Man.

Pitxi—Brunch (Sandy’s not that far away)

Okay. In all seriousness, Pitxi is probably the coolest Portland Brunch spot that’s not actually in Portland. Located in Sandy, this little joint is charming with a capital “C” and way worth the drive. I’ll be posting a longer piece about it soon, but for now all you need to know is if this place were in Portland city limits there would easily be an hour wait (or longer) to get in. The food is that damn good. I’ll call it French influenced cuisine, but don’t expect to see any foriegn words on the menu. You’ll have to do a bit of decoding (air pockets=souffle, pasta pillows=ravioli, etc.) but that’s just part of the experience. Let your Mom nap on the way out and treat her to a brunch that’s both unique and delicious. Pitxi (pronounced pea-chee) is at 38786 Pioneer Blvd. Your Mom desires a road trip.

Meriwether’s—Dinner

What’s the point of taking your mom to brunch when you’re only going to get hungry later and make her whip up a plate of Hot Pockets. Dinner might be the better way to go. Meriwether’s boasts a patio a garden and a pink press release that makes my eyes bleed every time I look at it. But hey, these are the sacrifices I make for your Mom. There is little information regaurding what will be served at Meriwether’s for dinner. They simply ask that you trust them and order “off the menu.” That’s both mysterious and slightly nerve wracking. But I trust Meriwether’s, and if I know anything about your Mom, it’s likely she’ll get a kick out of gazing at the peonys. I didn’t mean that to be a tortured pun. Wait, yes I did. Your Mom would like some flowers.

If you decide not to go with any of these options there’s a sure fire solution for the perfect mothers day dinning experience: Pick a nice restaurant, take a shower, wear a tie, and pick up the check. Easy. Tell your Mom she’s welcome.