Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and President Obama get together, knock back a couple of beers, watch a little porn, and try to hammer out what to do with the Middle East.

The Republicans are demanding either an apology from House Speaker Nancy Pelosi or proof that the CIA actually misled the Congress about the use of torture. Oh, god… I really hate quoting SNL sketches, but… REALLY, REPUBLICANS?? You want an apology for LYING? REALLY??

Who DARES heckle President Barack Obama? (Oh, just another abortion nut.)

In Toledo, their mayor mows city parks to save money. Maybe instead of a recall, we can just trade mayors?

A Filipino senator threatens to open up a can of "mayhem" on actor Alec Baldwin for making a joke on TV about "Filipino mail-order brides." They have TV in the Philippines?

Woody Allen settles his lawsuit with American Apparel, receiving $5 million and a hot model wearing boy's underpants.

Terrorists use Facebook to recruit Israeli spies. HA! HA! Goddamn, they're old-timey. I gotta Twitter dat.

Michael Jackson is reportedly suffering from skin cancer, but is already expected to replace his diseased skin with that of baby naked mole rats. (Hey, it can't look worse.)

And finally, somebody call PETA, because this video of an overweight cat desperately trying not to eat some baby bunnies is both adorable and torturous. Heeeey, Scooby! Don't you eat those bunnies! Heeeeey!