Oh my God. There is actually a blog on Marie Claire called "A Year of Living Flirtatiously" and, oh my God, they have just discovered bicycles. In an post from June 9th titled, "3 Tips for Picking Up Bike-Riders" two Brooklyn bike shop owners offer this advice to you sexy anti-feminists out there:
1. Says Pete: "A woman should try letting some air out of her tire--and thereby give a male biker who might happen to pass her by an opportunity to be a kinght [sic] in shining armor." (Or at least a knight in shining spandex?) "That's something every man wants to be. So ladies, let the air out and look distressed....
And guys: I can tell you from my own experience that I love men who offer to help me in any way with my bike. For instance, I was once out on the sidewalk trying, and failing, to put air in my tires with my mini-pump when a bike messenger noticed my concern and came over to do it for me. This was probably seven years ago, and I still remember his name: Oliver. And since I am often biking in heels, and occasionally need to carry my bike up or down stairs in my heels—if I've taken my bike on the subway, for instance—I LOVE men who offer to carry the bike for me. (To tell you the truth, many of them often struggle under the weight of it more than I do!)
Ah yes, because even in 2009 women are most attractive when they are helpless and high heeled. I've been doing this biking thing all wrong, racing around town when I should have been pausing to practice my "distressed" face. Thanks for the empowering tips, Marie Claire!
It's not that I'm against people looking hot on bikes but, hey, I'm just warning you - if your tactic for picking up boyz is to reel in guys who leap at the chance to flex their biceps lifting your Univega, you are cruising to snag yourself a douchebag boyfriend.
So I called up the two sexiest Portland bikers I know — Timo and Esther, leaders of tomorrow's Sexy Schwinnoritas and TrekTosterone rides for PedalPalooza and asked them how to flirt by bike.
Esther offers: Fix your own damn bike! Bike Farm is maybe the best place to pick up a capable, non-succubus life partner. "When you change a flat, you have to bend over and get into some pretty interesting positions," she says.
Timo says: Carry a cute puppy in your basket! "Also, I'd offer them free pastries and coffee every last Friday of the month. Plenty of time to admire their bike and their calves. Makes you look hospitable but without looking aggressive and creepy!"
Thanks guys. Now excuse me while I go slash my own tires outside Half & Half and wait breathlessly for the courier of my dreams.