"Dear citizens of Iran: As it turns out, yes, we did cheat to win the election. Now go back to your homes or the Revolutionary Guards will murder you. Thank you for your cooperation!"

An Afghan and Times reporter escape from a Taliban prison, read the exciting details here! (Preferably with the Mission: Impossible theme playing in the background!)

President Obama will sign new anti-smoking regulations that will give unprecedented power to the FDA over the tobacco companies who say, "No problem… we'll just figure out a new way to kill people."

Obama says not to worry about North Korea's planned long range missile test scheduled for July 4th—probably because it will fizzle out like damp bottle rocket.

Gossip blogger Perez Hilton claims that he was punched in the eye by the manager of the Black Eyed Peas—which is better than being peed on by a member of the Black Eyed Peas. (Fergie reference. We shall never forget.)

Reality show stars Jon and Kate will make a "major announcement" on their show tonight—which will probably be, "Gotcha to watch our stupid show! PSYCH!"

And finally, would you like to see Lady Gaga attempt to extend her waning moments of relevancy by shooting fireworks out of her breasts? (It's pretty awesome, in a hilariously dumb way. Jump to the 6:00 mark for the goods!)