The United States and Russia announce a new nuclear deal: "Don't blow the shit out of us, we don't blow the shit out of you." (I'm pretty sure they got the idea from War Games which was on Cinemax this weekend.)
Oh, and when Obama's there, you decide to stop shit-talking us? Maybe because Obama would knock your Rooskie ass out?
Ex-Defense Secretary Robert S. McNamara dead at the age of 93.
A South Carolina town lives in fear of the… HILLBILLY KILLER! (Dibs on the True Crime genre book.)
Republican Rep. Peter King on Michael Jackson: "He was a child molester. He was a pedophile. No one wants to stand up and say, 'We don't need Michael Jackson.'" GOP? Just keep doin' what you're doin'.
Iran's Ayatollah warns the U.S. to stop meddling… or what? You're going to BORE us to death?
Monorail crash in Disney World—just as deadly as a monorail crash in the real world. (Okay, it's a bit cuter.)
U.S. competitive eater Joey Chestnut wins his THIRD Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Championship, which means nobody, and I mean NOBODY can suck down tubes of meat like America! (Wait… let me rephrase that….)