Obama visits Wall Street; Greedy financiers begin profusely sweating in their underpants.

Today in "grisly": A college student disappears on her wedding night—is eventually discovered buried in a wall in a Yale laboratory.

Osama bin Laden drops his new single, entitled, "Obama Can't Stop the War (And I Can't Seem to Make Myself Relevant)."

At last night's MTV awards, Kanye West grabs the mic from Taylor Swift, and… [HEY DUMBASS! MATT ALREADY COVERED THIS STORY HERE! DUMBASS!!] Goddammit, self! Stop interrupting me!

Tennis star Serena Williams threatens a line judge at the US Open, and… [HELLLOOO? DUMBASS? MATT ALREADY COVERED THAT ONE, TOO!] Self, you are worse than Joe Wilson.

Ukranian government decides that Elton John is too old and gay to adopt an HIV-positive baby. Activate outrage!

Jim Carroll, author of The Basketball Diaries and one of my fave punk songs, "People Who Died" is… umm… well, dead at the age of 60. This one's for you, Jim!