Disney on Ice: Worlds of Fantasy opened last night at the Rose Garden. Of course, the Mercury was there.

Do I feel bad about using my professional journalist status to score rinkside seats to an extravaganza meant to entertain children between the ages of zero and ten? Eh. They invited me, okay? And I am never one to turn down the chance to meet "beloved characters certain to create a lifetime of memories."


Princess Tiana and her guard.
  • Princess Tiana and her guard.

After finding my seat among thousands, literally THOUSANDS, of girls in princess dresses and their obliging parents, a Godlike voice came over the loudspeaker announcing, "As the performance begins, a special smoke will fill the stage. But it is not hazardous to your health or toxic in any way." Very reassuring.

And sure enough, soon out skated Mickey and Minnie, and followed by an Under-the-Sea Medley featuring skating seahorses, skating Flounder, skating Sebastian the Crab with an inexplicable Rastafarian accent and yes, a wave of special, not-toxic-in-any-way smoke.

One interesting thing about Disney on Ice (which tours across the country in 11 giant trucks), is that the whole skating staff is about equal to the merchandising staff. For every person actually on the ice, there was a team of people out front, selling Cars-themed cotton candy and spinny children's toys my friends quickly dubbed Flagellators. Kids took hold of the Flagellators and held them excitedly in the air, like lighters at a rock concert, whapping the faces of their parents and seatmates with their light-up tentacles.


My favorite piece of the night was the entire second act, a trip to Tinkerbell's pixie hollow. Tink meets other girl fairies—a light fairy, a garden fairy, and one purple-pansuited one who can only be described as "disco bitch fairy—and a variety of male fairies, all of whom are wearing mullet wigs. The kids loved it, too.


Looking over my pictures in a Disney induced-hangover this morning, I realize that the photos of athletic men and women skating around in florescent Lyrca bodysuits against day-glo backgrounds make the show look very, very gay. But at the time, the show didn't feel gay at all. In fact, every one of the abbreviated plots in Disney on Ice: Worlds of Heternormative Fantasy revolves around some sort of girl meets boy drama. Even Tinkerbell looks lovingly into the eyes of Terrence, the Pixie Duster (no joke). And I wish, wish I taken a shot of (at?) Ariel's Prince Eric but I have one phrase for you: blue. velvet. knickers.

So don't delay! Disney on Ice goes through the weekend! Get yer tickets here.