I write and I write and I write and NONE OF YOU EVER LISTEN! From the Daily Bugle's Texas bureau comes the TOTALLY UNSURPRISING news that SPIDER-MAN and his partner-in-crime, SPIDER-WOMAN, have moved on from petty harassment and larceny and are now FEARLESSLY ROBBING BANKS!
Bank of America employees told police Friday that two men wearing Spider-Man masks had robbed the bank.
But after reviewing photos from security cameras, FBI investigators now think one robber was a Spider-Woman, police said Wednesday.
Do you still REFUSE TO BELIEVE that SPIDER-MAN is a FREAK and a CRIMINAL who's no better than the ANTISOCIAL MALCONTENTS he claims to "DEFEND" us from? Feast your eyes on PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE, ignoramuses!
Nice hooded sweatshirt, jackass. BETTY! GET ME ALISTAIR SMYTHE ON THE PHONE!
Not content to keep their CRIME SPREE in one part of the country, the DASTARDLY DUO then traveled to TACOMA to do more damage! Via Stacey Mulick at the Bugle's Washington Bureau:
Maybe J. Jonah Jameson, the fictional publisher of the fictional New York Daily Bugle is right: Maybe Spider-Man really is a criminal.
Or maybe it was just a man wearing a Spider-Man ski mask who robbed a pizza restaurant at gunpoint Monday night.
The robbery occurred about 7:10 p.m. at Papa Murphy’s, 2024 Sixth Ave., Tacoma police spokesman Mark Fulghum said Tuesday. The bandit robbed the employees, then fled. No one was hurt. A police dog searched for the robber but did not find him.
OF COURSE A POLICE DOG DIDN'T FIND HIM, YOU MORON! HE'S THE GODDAMN SPIDER-MAN!
AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING "FICTIONAL"?! Here's another "maybe" for you, Mulick: MAYBE YOU'RE FIRED! MAYBE YOU SHOULD CLEAN OUT YOUR DESK BY THE END OF THE DAY! MAYBE IF YOU HOP TO IT, I WON'T PERSONALLY FLY TO SOME BACKWOODS EXCUSE FOR A NEWSPAPER BUREAU TO PERSONALLY ESCORT YOU FROM THE BUILDING!
Damn you, Spider-Man... damn you to hell.