Oh hot damn—we've got the perfect ingredients for a Blazer game. As good as it gets, really. A holiday tomorrow so fans can get plenty dunk and sleep in. The whole air of Thanksgiving. For christsakes it's even clear outside.

So... Bring forth the sacrificial lamb!

And what a pathetic one we've got tonight in the winless New Jersey Nets. 0 and 14. A Turkey's got a better chance of survival. Even a slow, drooling, retarded Turkey with one leg a no beak. Ladies, Gentlemen and Jay-Z: Your New Jersey Nets.

Can you imagine losing 14 straight games? That's it. You're done. Phoning it in but no one's answering. Nets coach Lawrence Frank is basically a dead man walking, but as an added Fuck You they'll wait 'till after the holiday and make him grind out Thanksgiving on the road.

The one thing the Nets have going is All-Star Devin Harris, who missed the first 12 games this season. He could be rounding in to shape, and is the Blazers only real concern. I guess.

Official Line: Blazers -13

PRE-GAME:

Two things about the Nets: 1.) remember when the Blazers tried to sign Trenton Hassel but he went somewhere else? Dodged a bullet there. Can you imagine if we were paying him mid-level money? Good God. 2.) Brooke Lopez is a mongoloid.

Dante Cunningham steps out to with the mic to wish fans a happy holidays, and of course, with his team watching and grinning, stumbles a bit. Bust the rookie's chops, of course. But Cunningham is shaping up to be a pretty rounded dude. A little more in touch than your average jock. Though he is a snake owner, which is a bit on the creepy side.

FIRST QUARTER:

11:23 - Fucking clockwork. On the Blazers first defensive possession Oden picks up a foul on Mongoloid Lopez. Yet on the other end, Greg slices through the lane, gets whacked—I could hear it from here—and call. But The Elephant (that's Greg) finger-rolls it in. 4-0, Blazers.

8:50 - How's this for bad timing. Brandon Roy swishes a three from straight on, yet I'm still going to say dude seems to be taking a whole lot more three's than he has in the past, and it may not be the best thing ever. So what I do, to keep from sounding too stupid, is I check the stats: this year Roy is shooting 34% from downtown.

5:52 - Despite that early foul, The Elephant has come out with a pretty wicked first few minutes. He's got six points, three boards and a block. Not to mention Greg's about 4 million times more likable than Lopez.

4:30 - Hello foot. How are you mouth? Quite well, thank you. Lopez is kind of killing it. He's got eight points. But that doesn't mean I have to like him. A Steve Blake three gives the Blazers a 19-14 lead.

1:18 - Well shit man—the Nets sure aren't looking like a team who've lost 14 straight. Don't get me wrong. I aint worried. And there's no way Brooke Lopez continues at this pace (he's got 10). Portland 22, New Jersey 21.

SECOND QUARTER:

10:15 - Dante Cunningham checks in for Aldridge. I like it—six fouls to thwack Brooke Lopez with. Make 'em count. On the other end, Josh Boone may be the last player in the NBA with cornrows. Portland 32, New Jersey 26.

9:10 - Am I the only one who thinks they ought to rename the Nets? How about the New Jersey Shore. The uniforms could be distressed denim and instead of arm bands they could all get barbed wire tattoos. Hot damn.

7:26 - RRRRRAAAGGGGHHHH! Greg had that fool Josh Boone on his back and tried to put an elbow through his chest and ended up whistled for his second. On the other end Boone just made SportsCenter with a ridiculous put back jam. If you'd like to know the future, just read whatever I write, and know by the next post the unlikely opposite will transpire. Do I need to go George Costanza on this and go against my gut? Nah... but while we're on the topic, I picked the Nets to cover tonight's 13 point spread. So we'll see... Portland 34, Jersey Shore 33.

6:14 - Andre Miller straight freezes Bobby Simmons like they're on the playground and finishes with a sweet finger-roll. Then Josh Boone starts resembling himself. First he loses the ball between his legs than fouls LaMarcus Aldridge, who scores anyway, but bricks the and-one. Which is fine, because Cunningham grabs the offensive board. Aldridge makes up for the brick with a deep two. The Blazers then force miss after miss in a scrum, tip-in battle. They finally recover, and Martell finishes it all with a corner three. Seven straight Blazer points. Nice little sequence. Portland up, 43-33.

4:19 - Rafer Alston has little to be thankful for (other than his millions of dollars). Instead of another run at the title with Orlando and the game's Greatest Big Man, Dwight Howard, he's on the 0-14 New Jersey Net. If that weren't enough, he lives in New Jersey.

1:06 - Chris Douglas-Roberts just got his ass handed to him by Joel Przybilla. Douglas-Roberts cocked his dunk attempt back to yesterday, only to be met by an iron gorrilla paw that stopped stupid-double-last-name-hyphen-guy in his tracks. WHAP!

:00 - At the half, Blazers up 49-44.

THIRD QUARTER:

10:30 - Greg Oden and Mongo Lopez trade offensive fouls. Getting scrappy down there. And on a nice fast break Martell swishes a three pointer after taking about five steps without a dribble. Whistle, no basket. It aint been a pretty beginning for either team. Yeesh.

7:54 - What the hell is going on here? Caveman Lopez just swished a jumper from just a step inside the three-point line. Then the fucking freak came right back and scored inside. Time-out is right. Portland 54, Jersey Shore 52.

6:07 - Rafer Alston breaks of a bit of that Skip-to-my-lou shit, and scores on a double-clutch lay-in off the hip. And this fucking game is tied. Yes. We are tied with the 0-14 Nets. Am I worried? No. And what the hell, at least we might see a decent game. 54 all.

4:36 - When the score became knotted, the fans spoke up, and the Blazers scored the next four points. They weren't exactly re-assuring, however. The Nets still got good shots, they just rolled out. And more often than not, when the Blazers sink into their half-court offense the ball is just sticking. No movement, no plays, just a bail-out shot. 58-54, Portland.

2:25 - Sweet Airborn Jesus! Andre Miller throws a perfect lob to a streaking LaMarcus Aldridge, who jams it with two hands. Yes, that's right—a streaking LaMarcus Aldridge. Portland has scored eight straight.

:00 - Just before the buzzer Andre Miller stripped Devin Harris, cruised down the court but his buzzer-beating three was just off. Yes—Andre Miller stripped Devin Harris. In other news sans double entendre, the Nets are looking more like a team with 14-straight losses. Portland 62, NJ 56.

FOURTH QUARTER:

11:00 - Sign of awesome things to come: Dante Cunningham comes blazing through the key, catches a pass from Greg Oden, stops on a motherfucking dime, raises up high and drains the short jumper. Impressive agility on display from Cunningham. On the other end Greg Oden swallows Devin Harris (and his lame attempt at a drive) whole. Portland 69, NJ 59.

8:09 - Cunningham does it again—stopping and popping this time from the free-throw line. It's negated by Greg Oden's campout in the key—seriously, there's a little pop-tent and even a bristling campfire in there. But damn, Cunningham's got a nice little shot. Speak of the devil, he just nailed one from the top of the circle. This kid is fucking awesome. Portland 77, NJ 65.

5:40 - Miller dribbles into the key, draws the defense, and feeds Oden for the easy dunk. Not content to take 'er easy, Greg tries visciously to tear down the rim. While hanging on that fucker Oden gave it an extra shake. Back in the old days, before the Shaq-enhanced baskets came along, that probably would've done it too. Portland 82, Jersey 68.

3:33 - This is where 0-14 has really got to compound itself—when the daylight's closing. Not much hope to fight back, but maybe JUUUSSSTT a bit. That is, if you don't lose every fucking time you step on the court. So much for hope, and good night New Jersey. Say 'hi' to Big Pussy for me. Oh wait—he's fucking dead. Just like your season. Portland 82, NJ 71.

1:04 - Blazers up 12 with 1:04, meaning Nate McMillan may FINALLY pull his starters, four of five of which were just on the court. I mean, shit man, running up the score on the hapless Nets? Not very much in the spirit of the holidays. 89-77, Blazers.

:51.4 - Well, same lineup. But that MAY be because NJ called timeout, and didn't make substitutions, which I believe would prohibit the Blazers from making any. But Portland has timeouts and ought to get their fucking starters out of there (Greg Oden, uhhh, injury prone?) But anyway, fuck it. Who cares. Blazers win, it's Thanksgiving, and it looks like my call on the spread was correct. Again. IN YOUR FACE CAREAFF!

:42.3 - Oh for chrissakes! The Nets, after calling a timeout and diagramming a pointless play (it's over) failed to get the ball in bounds after five-seconds, resulting in a turnover. And they're fouling! Let's revue: down 10 with 40 seconds, calling timeout after timeout, and fouling. What the fuck? They better not blow the spread.

:5.2 - Wow. Strange move I've never seen before. Rather than run up the score, Andre Miller takes a clear 24-second violation rather than just throw up a shot. Takes a turnover, but remains classy. And there you have it. Portland 93, New Jersey 83. See you back here Friday, when the Blazers host another of the league's worst: Zach Randolph and the Memphis Grizzlies.