Some people celebrate Christmas and some won’t shut up about its commercialization. Some see the moral reveille of the holy day as a ripe setup to a joke about what bastards we truly are. Either there’s too much religion this time of year, or there’s not enough. Jesus is all around. Jesus greets shoppers at strip malls. Jesus sits on Santa’s lap, bats his crazy Michael Jackson eyes and tells St. Nick he wants LOVE for a present this year. It’s confused and confusing.

And then there are Jews like me who just really like the smell of pine.

Point is, there are lots of ways to enjoy the holiday. Here are some Christmas shows going on this weekend to wrap your teeth around, regardless of how sharp they are. (Warning: All these shows have happy endings.)

Santa Claus Superstar
  • Santa Claus Superstar

A Christmas FAIL!
Mockery of uplifting holiday classics and all their singsong goodness, courtesy of new local theater company Church (castaways from the somewhat-monthly drag show Sissyboy). In this one, the impending divorce of the Church parents threatens to ruin Christmas for the whole family. The kids are sure that through good deeds they can save Christmas, but my god, the kids sure are uninformed. Fail! (Saturday at 8pm and Sunday at 8 & 10 pm at the Someday Lounge.)

Holiday Bizarre: A Jewish Christmas
The Jewish boys from Seattle that created this musical(ish) show know how to cash in on stereotypes. (There are so many ways to make a banker joke here, I’m not even going to try.) Here’s the idea: Joseph hires attorneys from the Wisemen law firm to rain litigious punishment on the real father of Mary’s bastard son. Along the way, they learn about about the true spirit of Christmas. There will be songs. There will be a rapping Easter Bunny and a slurring, anti-semitic Santa. I can’t promise Manishevitz, but I can promise that if this isn’t funny, I will personally kick the co-creator (Dave Bestock, admittedly a friend of mine) in the groin. Also, if you haven’t had a chance to check out the remodeled church that is the Portland Playhouse, this seems like an appropriately sacrilegious occasion (Saturday at 8pm at the Portland Playhouse).

Queer Quistmas
Quick, somebody tell the gay mormons! Queer Quistmas, the dandiest Christmas pageant around, is back for a glorious third year of lispy licentiousness. Emcee Fannie Mae Darling (another graduate of the Sissyboy charm school) is the tree atop which this sparkling array of orgasments sits—including featured guests Kelly Moe; Eric Sellers; Sarah Helena King; Misti Icenbice; Blake Cedric; and Portland's Ukulele Group. Did I really just use the word orgasments? Yes, and I am going to stop writing now. Only $3 this Sunday at 9pm, at Mississipi Pizza.

God bless us, every one.