BE NICE—1989's Patrick Swayze epic Road House stands as the pinnacle of human achievement. UNTIL TONIGHT, when Road House: The Play debuts in Portland, bringing the blood- and sex-stained saga of badass bouncer James Dalton to the stage! Featuring a cast of local comedy geniuses—including my hilarious and brilliant boss, Mercury Editor Wm. Steven Humphrey—Road House: The Play will probably be the greatest experience of your life. EH
Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th, Fri & Sat, 8 pm, $12, ticket info, through March 27, 21+

PUTT—Everything is made better by meticulously engineered destruction, toy horses, and permanent damage to your liver, as made terrifyingly clear at Smash Putt: Miniature Golf Apocalypse. Drunkenly navigate your doomed balls through moving catapults, secret passages, intricate crushing devices, and a rotating Arc de Triomphe. Shoot golf balls out of a cannon. Yes—a cannon. JV
1719 W Burnside, Fri-Sun, through April 4, tee times & ticket prices at

You'll have time to sleep when you're dead. My, What a Busy Week!