Obama hosts a two-day summit to strengthen global nuclear security—primarily to keep nukes out of the hands of angry terrorists. (Can we start by giving them pie? Even terrorists can't resist pie.)

Connecticut is pushing a bill that would remove the statute of limitations on prosecuting priests who have abused children. GUESS WHO'S AGAINST IT?

Meanwhile, the Vatican issues an edict that all bishops and high-ranking clerics MUST report sexual abuse to the police—unless of course, it would interfere with them molesting children.

In other Vatican news, the Pope has finally forgiven the Beatles, while I on the other hand still think they're wildly overrated.

RIP Designing Women star Dixie Carter who died of cancer on Saturday.

Shock, shock, shock: New documents show that Toyota tried to hide their faulty accelerator pedals from federal regulators.

In case you missed it, Police Union boss Scott Westerman is being investigated for TWO road rage incidents... against the same car? Seriously, you cannot make this stuff up.

In Washington County, another man... covered in blood... not responding to direct orders... dies in police custody. Sound familiar?

A new tell-all book about Oprah reveals her alleged affair with—ahem—John Tesh. All together now... EWW!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Showery today and tomorrow with a warming trend that should hit 70 by the weekend?? Yummm.

And finally, JUSTIN BIEBER seduces that lady... oh, you know... that old lady from 30 Rock? Like, whatever. JUSTIN BIEBER! JUSTIN BIEBER! JUSTIN BIEBERRRRRRRRR!!!