The hillbilly wars are heating up! Today House Republicans are asking Obama to deploy the National Guard along the U.S./Mexican border in order to... well, you know exactly why.

In hillbilly tech news, a Facebook group praying for the death of President Obama now has over 1 million members.

In other hillbilly news, a Texas lawmaker wants to enact the same racist anti-immigration laws as Arizona.

In a related story, a Texas man stands accused of decapitating his wife's head with a chainsaw.
(Dude, those two stories are totally related, and you know it.)

Democrats are using the greedy dicks from Goldman Sachs as a great example of why this country needs financial reform. They are also good examples, in case anyone needs them, of greedy dicks.

The Coast Guard plans to set fire to the huge oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico before it reaches the environmentally sensitive Louisiana coast.

Today in WHAT THE FUCK?!? Scientists are creating the world's largest laser in order to, and I quote, "set off a nuclear reaction so intense that it will make a star bloom on the surface of the Earth." Again. WHAT THE FUCK?!?

Civil unrest continues in Thailand as security forces fire upon anti-government protesters.

Meet Sandra Bullock's new baby boy. Wait... WHAT??

Today in Bieber News: Hundreds of fans mobbed the adorable Justin Bieber at a New Zealand airport, stealing his hat, and knocking down his mother! (Well, she was in the way of Justin Bieber. Sorry, mom, but MOVE YOUR ASS!!)

Now here's what's happening in your neck of the woods: Cool and showery today, with a sunny weekend ahead!

And finally, a TV station in Spokane accidentally did this. At least I think it was an accident. Maybe a shout out to the local arsonists? They need to have "great days," too!