Welcome back to the ongoing Blogtown series "Worst. Night. Ever." Every Wednesday during our weekly pitch meetings, there is one member of our editorial staff—this is almost always Patrick Alan Coleman—who blurts out an event ("JUNE 12, FINNISH BIRCH-CAULKING SOIRÉE AND PIG-TAIL PICKLE") in the hopes that we will recommend it in the paper. Instead of just letting these events go ignored, we decided to keep them and allow you—yes, YOU—the Blogtown readers to decide which of these events one of us should attend!
Every week—until we get bored with this idea, or someone dies—a new staff member will be presented with five events that do not match their personality or interests. Each week's participant can veto a single event, but that is all. HERE'S THE FUN PART (FOR YOU): From the remaining entries, YOU will vote on and pick the event that must be attended by our unlucky staffer and then reviewed here on the blog.
The Mercury staff really toughened up this week, and on the new guy, no less. The possibility for wholesome, what-have-we-learned-today pleasantry is virtually nil with this selection of activities. Take comfort, dear Blogtown reader: you will have a hand in making me suffer. Or, at least, feel somewhat awkward for a couple hours.
I thought I'd benefit from the fact that other Mercury staffers don't yet know me too well, and so can't gauge my likes and dislikes... but they did a remarkably good job of hitting some of my weak spots.
Speed Dating (Saturday, June 12, Java Jitters Café, Battleground, WA)
CONS: What?! You're allowed to send me to Battleground? That means I'd drive forty minutes each way to sit across a table from a suburban cougar divorcée and tell her I'm there because a blog sent me. That should make us both feel great. Also, who wants to speed date at a venue named after an involuntary nervous spasm?
PROS: I am single. Finding true love on the blog would way increase our page views.
Attending a KoRn concert while wearing a corn suit (Tuesday, June 15, Roseland Theater) VETOED
At the end of the day, if it'll make a good story, I'm open to basically anything that isn't morally repugnant or dangerous. But this is just abject humiliation. Plus, some of my worst memories ever involve wearing costumes. Count me out.
10th Annual Masturbate-a-Thon (Saturday, June 12, The Dark Lady's house)
CONS: I thought long and hard about this, and something about it rubs me the wrong way. I probably wouldn't be bored stiff, and I don't want to come to premature conclusions... but this could be a slippery slope leading to a sticky situation.
PROS: I don't have to participate. It's basically a sex-positive potluck, and it's geared towards women. Plus, there are porn stars. (No photos, pervs.)
Ultimate Fighting Championships (Saturday, June 12, Dixie Tavern)
CONS: Douches. Lots of them. Steroid-addled douches with vine-inspired designs on their fitted t-shirts, and incongruously pointy shoes. Men who fight dirty, and the women (and closeted men) who love them.
PROS: This is, after all, the purest form of sport. I've been meaning to sign up for fighting classes—maybe this is a good place to begin.
Leverage star Christian Kane playing music (Saturday, June 12, Dante's)
CONS: I hate Dante's. The last time I went—two winters ago—I thought I was in hell (which is, for some reason, the "point" of this place). I actually caught fire, melted a hole right through my down jacket, and walked home alone in the gentle rain trailing stray feathers. This place sucks.
PROS: This guy's music is pretty hilariously bad. Or... maybe it's good?
Next week's Worst. Night. Ever. victim is Marjorie Skinner, which is going to make things incredibly difficult because, after all, at one time she even volunteered to be kidnapped. PLEASE! If you know of any events you think Marjorie would despise, email us—we're looking at the week of June 17-20.
Voting ends Wednesday at 3 pm!