My wife is studying abroad. I'm here in the U.S. Before she left we talked at length about possible opportunities to be non-monogamous. We agreed that while neither of us wanted to open up the relationship, we would understand if "something happened." The deal was that we would tell each other about whatever goes on. To date, nothing outside of drunken flirting has happened for either of us.

Brass tacks: I'm tired of masturbating to porn. I really don't have it in me to sleep with someone else. I've been given permission, but... meh. What I'd like to do is use this free Back to the Future II technology like video chat and have my wife masturbate for me while I watch. She's agreed to do this and she did so once. She wasn't into it and yawned an awful lot. What really gets me is that she talks about wanting to do it for me in emails or chats while I'm at work, but when it gets down to actually frigging herself, tiredness, busy-ness, or some another excuse stops her from following through with any heart. That gets me limp pretty quick. It also bothers me that I'm the only one (apparently) pursuing any kind of sexual gratification—at least in this way. She tells me she gets horny but that she just "doesn't think to call" me to get off.

Am I a chump? Am I being unreasonable? Is she lying? Is it likely that when a person gets horny, they don't think of ways to satisfy the drive? This is pretty important to me and it's reached the point where I feel like I'm nagging her about this. Isn't she copping out? Is there a way for me to have her understand how important it is that she has some desire to get off with me?

Cock Hard Under Much Pressure

My response after the jump...


First off, CHUMP, let's address the elephant in the ol' chat room: there's a possibility that your wife is having sex with someone else, someone abroad, and isn't honoring the terms of your agreement—she isn't telling you about whatever is going on—because she knows you're not happy and doesn't want to give you still more cause feel resentful and/or depressed. That would explain why she "doesn't think to call" you when she's feeling horny: she's calling on someone else.

You're in a better position to judge her honesty than I am. If you think she's getting her needs met sleeping with someone else while you pine away for her at home—and if you want to revisit the agreement you made about outside sexual contact while she's away—ask her about it and renegotiate your agreement.

That said...

It seems just as likely—it seems far likelier—that your wife just isn't into cam. And it may be that she's yawning away in front of the computer because of the time difference. And it may be that she finds masturbating in front of her computer awkward and uncomfortable. And it may be that your wife, acutely aware of how deprived you feel, sends you a stream of dirty/promissory emails while you're at work so that she'll feel obligated to follow through once you get home. And it may be that she isn't "following through with any heart" because her heart just isn't in it—because she isn't an exhibitionist, because she finds the technology dehumanizing and impersonal, because, because, because.

Look, CHUMP, it's clear from your letter that your wife is trying. The wife is making excuses for her lackluster performances in front of the web cam, but she's still performing, she's still trying to meet your needs, but it's not erotic—not for you, not for her—because I'm guessing nothing about all this free Back to the Future II technology turns her on.

If that's the case, CHUMP, there's not a lot to be done. A public scolding from some fag sex-advice columnist isn't going to improve her performance any more than her husband's pouting has. You'll just have to find another way to "get off together" while you're apart—dirty emails, dirty letters, dirty visits.