Guys! Lindsay Lohan! Got Punched! In the FACE! On her birthday! FOR NO REASON! (Wait... I think I'm leaving something out... OH!) BY A WAITRESS! From Lindsay's Twitter account:

Oh. Is that it? Hmm. Okay. BUT GUYS! Lindsay is also really, really attracted to Ellen Page!

Or... maybe she just likes Mini Coopers? (Goddammit... I need a distraction. Quick, a picture of Lindsay back when she was super hot!)