Often submissions come in to the Mercury that don't quite fit anywhere. They're not articles or essays, and they're not exactly letters to the editor or I, Anonymous-es either. Many of these are basically PSAs, like this one from Erin Sullivan, a Portland movie theater clerk who just wanted to let the public know what the staff of your local theater are really thinking about you. An excerpt:
People who ask if we have ice cream: Just like I don't walk into Applebee's and say, "One small butter popcorn, please!" nor should you walk into a movie theater and say, "Ice cream, please!"
People who stay for the entire credits: Unless you just witnessed a documentary on the Holocaust or Darfur, there is no need to "take it all in."
People who stay for the entire credits, see the staff picking up trash, and leave their trash anyway: Why stop there? Is there an old person in the theater that needs help opening the door? Run past them, open it just enough for you to slide through and then get a heavy cabinet against that thing!
People who ask if the middle bucket is the medium: Your life is depressing.
Teens who want a receipt for their concessions' purchase: Your receipt for Sour Jacks, coming right up!
People who order Coke + peanut M&Ms + a small buttered popcorn: You make perfect decisions.
People who call Dasani water "Diane water": You are welcome here anytime.