Hello fellow members of the I.F.F. It's time that we talked about Jersey Shore. Before we start I just want you to know that I would three-way-kiss all of y'all. I also want to direct you to a news story from last week about Snooki being arrested for drunk and disorderly, goof-ass conduct in South Beach:
Wearing a red and black T-shirt with the word "SLUT" across the chest and a miniskirt that left little to the imagination, she was later spotted falling over and wobbling uncontrollably.
In a bizarre string of acts, she then tried to get on a man's bicycle, stormed onto the beach without paying the $5 entrance fee and finally tried to shove a man showering by the boardwalk.
It was then that cops intervened.
Snooks responded by chewing the police officers out for not realizing she is famous for being a drunken mess and is therefore above the laws that apply to normal drunken messes:
"You can't tell me what to do - I'm Snooki," she yelled at officers during a boozed-up, expletive-filled rant.
"Do you know who I am? I'm fucking Snooki. You can't do this to me - I'm fucking Snooki. You guys are going to be sorry for this - release me!"
"Release me"? People actually say that in day-to-day life? Did this happen next? And don't tell me that she couldn't maybe be an alien because the picture that accompanies this story makes a pretty good counter-argument.
- "Release.... me....."
Alright, with that out of the way, let this week's Jersey Shore wrap up COMMENCE!
A lot of drama this week, my dudes. Ronnie and Sammi continue to be insufferable. After three-way kissing and motorboating all those grenades at the club, Ron's masterful strategy is to "Deny deny deny until Angelina says something [to Sammi] and then World War III starts." Even Situation is questioning Ronnie's moral character. Bad sign. I think it's really indicative of their relationship that when Ron stumbles into Sam's bed the conversation goes:
Sammi: Did you do anything?
Sammi: I love you.
Yes, theirs is a love written in the silver gossamer of heaven. Let nothing tear it in twain! Except maybe Ronnie having his ex-girlfriend's number in his phone book (honestly, isn't it a sign of maturity if you can still be friends with your exes?). Or the fact that both Sammi and Ron are overgrown children incapable of introspection.
To process his guilt (and just feel some pain, man) Ronnie gets a pair of praying hands tattooed on his ribs and holds Sammi's hands all the while, telling her afterward that she really proved something to him. So everything's cool, right?
He also makes a tenuous truce with Angelina so she won't tell Sammi. You make a deal with the devil, dude, you're gonna get burned. Angelina is kicking up dust with everyone in the house. She even talked shit to Jwoww's friends J420 and Johnny Yanks! After being threatened by Jenny, Angelina ends the night slapping Pauly D for rejecting her overbearing friendship assault of telling him she loves him and crying in the frozen chicken tenders.
The fun stuff this week was the goofier shit like Snooki on a pickle-hunt spilling Situation's chicken dinner all over the floor and the whole house being at a loss about how to handle it. Classic was Snooki's verbal reaction - "I didn't do it! It got on my slippers!" - and her train of thought - "I don't want to clean this up. I just ruined dinner. What the fuck am I going to eat?"
I also loved the girls' trip to the "tranny shop", where they gush over how awesome Miami fashion is. Jwoww buys a hole with a little bit of dress around it and Snooki gets crystal-encrusted sunglasses that are as impractical as they are expensive (I thought they looked pretty cool, though).
Next episode we can expect to see the kids working at their new gelato job. Was there anything better than their new boss openly laughing at how ridiculous they all are? Not for my money.
Stray notes and quotes
Half of this episode can be summed up in the cut between Sammi screaming through a closed door "I'M OVER IT" to looking teary-eyed at the camera: "I obviously love him a lot."
The moment where everyone was looking at Jwoww through the frosted shower door was kind of charming. You can tell these people love each other.
Both Pauly D and Situation hooked up with Angelina? It gets juicier.
I wonder what J420's AIM screen name is?
"T-Shirt Time" is the new "GTL".
Vinny on Ronnie's conquest: "I think she played tight end for the Giants."
"They should call you The Instigation.
"Can I speak to Angelina?" "She died."
"I'm not going to downgrade myself."
"If you want to be here then interact with everybody. Not that I want her to."
"ARE YOU TOUCHING ME?!"