This morning I asked Erik Henriksen if I could blog about the new Darren Aronofsky movie that looks totally great and has Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman making out in it. "No!" he shouted at me over the internet. "I am going to!" [Then Steve stole it from him. Ha!] "Do you want to blog the Joaquin Phoenix bullshit movie trailer?"
No, I will not, Erik Henriksen! I refuse to participate in a charade that is so retarded. I will not immerse myself in the details of Joaquin Phoenix's fake descent from star to star pretending to be a rapper with a bushy beard in a documentary by the talented Affleck brother. If there's anything worth reading about Joaquin Phoenix it's him recounting that time he was mysteriously pulled from a car wreck by Werner Herzog. Let's read about that:
"I remember this knocking on the passenger window. There was this German voice saying, 'Just relax.' There's the airbag, I can't see and I'm saying, 'I'm fine. I am relaxed. Finally, I rolled down the window and this head pops inside. And he said, 'No, you're not.' And suddenly I said to myself, 'That's Werner Herzog' There's something so calming and beautiful about Werner Herzog's voice. I felt completely fine and safe. I climbed out. I got out of the car and I said, 'Thank you,' and he was gone."
If you REALLY want to watch the trailer for I'm Still Here (get it? GET IT?) where an old man tells Phoenix he is a "mountaintop water drop" and music swells like we're supposed to care, watch it below the jump. I would rather post this video from Joaquin Phoenix's (then known as Leaf Phoenix) film debut, the 1986 film Space Camp. In this scene a friendly robot named Jinx almost kills a bunch of kids by fucking up their shuttle launch in a misguided attempt to cement the affections of a little boy named Max (Leaf Phoenix). Enjoy.
Here's that other movie: