I'm late to the carbohydrate-laden table covering this super special episode of Jersey Shore but, like commenter Jacob Schraer said last week, I didn't miss much.
- (L-R: Knockout Ronnie, Angelina, My J-Lo, Pauly Spike, My Snooki, Sammi, Mike Sanitation, Vinny)
Let's break down what happened.
Least importantly, animosity between Angelina and everyone else is growing again. Snooki and Jwoww are waiting to strike (their feud with Sammi apparently forgotten) and Situation, the house's unlikely moral crusader, cannot stand idly by while she plays Jose. I absolutely can, finding no sympathy for someone who buys Angelina a Fossil watch after knowing her for three days. Jose's bad decisions only continue as he skips right over forgiving Angelina and basically pleads with her to stay semi-faithful so he won't "look like an asshole". Good luck with that, dude.
In much more fun news, Vinny's family visited! We got to know Vinny's mom last season, memorable because every man in the house praised her refusal to leave the kitchen or do anything for herself as the paragon of womanhood. We didn't have the pleasure of meeting Vinny's mush-mouthed lech of an uncle, Nino, who effortlessly stole this episode long before he kissed Vinny on the cheek and asked him to fuck every girl in the house. The best moment was undoubtedly when we learned the Jersey Babies' new names: Knockout Ronnie, Pauly Spike, Mike Sanitation and J-Lo. "That looks like a really creepy scene right now," marvels Ronnie, walking away from the hot tub where Uncle Nino is smelling Snooki's hair.
Then there was Vinny's non-starting double-date. Jacob Schraer described it as:
Vinny acting like a total bitch because this girl he met for about two seconds at a club (during which time he decided she was "wife material") stood him up. I haven't seen a man so butt hurt about a first date since I was thirteen years old.
Maybe I'm alone in this but I felt for Vinny. When I think of Vinny last season I think of that adage, "It's better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and prove it". Vinny definitely looked pretty good smarting off and slouching around with pink eye next to all the dick-measuring and GTL-ing the three amigos were caught up in. This season, however, we get a clearer vision of who Vinny really is: a really young kid. How old is the dude, 22? And he's been raised by doting females and Uncle Vino-types? It's no surprise to me that his attitude towards women is fucked up. How many actual dates with women he actually respected can this kid have gone on based solely on his interactions with that rare rose of a club dancer? That was some straight up middle school shit that just made me feel big-brotherly towards Vinny. I just want to throw the ball around and talk with him about priorities.
If Vinny is coming into focus this season, Situation has remained pretty blurry. The once-figurehead of the show, Mike Sorrentino has done little lately but picking up trash to hump. How great was it to see his and Pauly D's bizarre co-dependency hi-lighted this episode? I loved that he cannot bear to see Vinny pick up the girl he put on ice to call later when he's done fucking another girl. I love that the girl he brought home called him out for sharing rooms like children (seriously, he and Pauly D might as well bring chicks home to their matching racecar beds). I love that he and Pauly got so desperate for pussy that they cold-called bitches at 6:30 in the morning (and it worked). I love that he settled for eating an egg sandwich and watching Pauly get his rocks off and does not think that's weird.
Wait, no I don't love that stuff; it makes me sad. See you binks next week!
Stray notes and quotes
Did that Italian dinner make any of you guys hungry? Looking at it totally made me want to vom. The kicker came from watching Ronnie exit the bathroom spraying an aerosol can and the numerous shots of supine roommates holding their stomachs between courses.
Situation obviously shaves his pubes and wears pink yoga pants. Dude is a cartoon character.
I liked that moment when Vinny's mom had to put her cell phone down while the cop car wnet by.
Situation thinks Angelina's a slut, Ronnie thinks she's a pimp. Make of that what you want.
Pauly made out pretty well this episode! #TeamDJPaulyD