Empty your brain of every ounce of knowledge you've ever accumulated! Because it's gonna need every inch of space to cram in tonight's BRAND... NEW... TV... SHOWS! Like...
8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Season premiere! This year starring America's #1 most hated teen mom, Bristol Palin! BOOOOO!!!
9:00 NBC THE EVENT
Debut! Something mysterious happened that makes a lot of other people (including President Blair Underwood and the cripple from E.R.) say, "WHA' HAPPENED??" If you love not knowing what's going on, you'll probably love this.
9:00 FOX LONE STAR
Debut! A new drama about a con man living two lives in Texas. You, sir, are no Don Draper! (Mad Men rip-off or not, some are calling this the best new show of the season.)
9:30 CBS MIKE AND MOLLY
Debut! This website said it best: "Don't pretend to care about these fatties."
10:00 NBC CHASE
Debut! Hotsy-totsy US Marshal chases the baddies in this new "has-potential" action drama—which upon further examination has been downgraded to "has no potential."
10:00 CBS HAWAII 5-0
Debut! This reboot of the classic Honolulu cop show twists the concept slightly by making McGarrett's gang a troubled secret task force designed to bust the baddies. Expect the same gorgeous locales sprinkled with dark shenanigans and half-naked cavorting from Lost's Daniel Dae Kim and Battlestar Galactica's Grace Park! Rrrrowrrr!! I wouldn't mind putting those two on my pu-pu platter. (God. I'm sorry.)
More new shows smashing into your FACE! Check out I Love Television™!
OH! And check out this version of the original Hawaii 5-0 theme song as sung by Sammy Davis Jr.! HAWT!