New York's third senator? Portland's only daily newspaper has noticed everyone else complaining about Oregon Senator Ron Wyden's family ties to the Empire State, mainly that his wife and kids live there part of the year (she co-owns New York City's fab bookstore The Strand). Wyden's aides have a retort: His kids were born in Oregon, fer chrissakes! To which we say: Yes, kids who live in New York.

Now it's called "dangerous" compassion. Most nights for 20 years, dozens of homeless Portlanders line up outside Operation Nightwatch, a place downtown where they can hang out, drink coffee, or read books. But as of Nov. 15, they'll need to go somewhere else. The program's landlord, the First Presbyterian Church, wants them out. Why? They're too enabling, critics sniff.

I hate marijuana jokes, even if this kinda calls for one. The Obama administration, finally addressing California's legalization ballot measure, has pissed all over it. Cancer patients and sick people? No problem, Attorney General Eric Holder says. Everyone else? Cue the theme from Cops.

"11 years of essentially rewriting the phrase "X is an arsehole haw haw haw" over and over until you hit the 650-word limit is enough for anyone." The Guardian's TV critic pens a farewell column worth sharing.

The Bush administration apparently mucked up ANOTHER thing. Intelligence agencies received repeated warnings—including one from the guy's wife a whole year before!—that an American man was helping plot the Mumbai terror attack that killed 163 people in 2008.

When we shut up our brat kids by shoving an iPhone into their grubby, oatmeal-encrusted hands, we're just making them even more stupid than they already are. Or so say "concerned" experts. What's that? I couldn't hear you over the relaxing gulps of wine I'm chugging down while the house is finally, mercifully quiet.

She's actually way more craven than "complex." But that didn't stop the Washington Post from setting out to debunk "five myths" surrounding Sarah Palin. And it's not as if they're wrong about some of 'em—McCain cost himself 2008, not Palin. It's just that her rather turgid ego doesn't need any more fluffing.

Hey, fuckers, I never, like, burned no Qurans neither! The hick xenophobe preacher in Florida who threatened to burn Islam's holy text—and then didn't!—is getting a free car from a New Jersey auto dealer to thank him. Don't get too jealous, though. It's a Hyundai Accent.

Meanwhile, dig these cats tearing it up.