I spent the past weekend in Seattle, where for the second year in a row I represented Portland as a jury member for the HUMP! amateur porn contest. (Tickets went on sale at 10 am today. Get yours now because they will sell out!) Last year my travel tote o' porn contained a decent number of PDX submissions, but this year... I needed a much bigger tote bag. Portlanders submitted well over twice as many films as last year, and you're really getting the hang of it—Portland will be very well represented at the festival. Overall, the quality of the submissions was better than last year too, making it difficult in many cases to choose. For future reference: Having actual sex on camera is favored over films that fake or merely refer to sex (when we say "porn," we mean, you know, porn), and films made just for HUMP! are prioritized, but the real key to HUMP! judging is determining a healthy mix of straight/queer, kink/vanilla, funny/sexy—one of the greatest things, after all, about HUMP! is that it's an inclusive celebration of the full spectrum of sexuality. And lest you think the HUMP! jury has it easy, let me assure you that watching porn on a laptop in the company conference room with your colleagues at 10 am on a Saturday isn't as glamorous as it may seem, but it is pretty funny. This year Dan Savage had the presence of mind to record some of our more alarming and suggestive quotes from the deliberation (which, by the way, took us about eight, almost entirely sober, hours). Here's the transcript of our day:
UPDATE: "Is that her butt? I think so."
UPDATE 2: "Serious plot holes."
UPDATE 3: "This would be a better porn with, you know, sex. And banjo? In porn?"
UPDATE 4: "I'm bummed out that they're not really amputees."
UPDATE 5: "Are those stripper-pole bruises?"
UPDATE 6: "So that's what a crucifix sounds like."
UPDATE 7: "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MY GOD. Holy shit! My God! Christ... Okay, that one's in."
UPDATE 8: “Delivery boy porn—but it's coffee instead of pizza. How Northwest!"
UPDATE 9: "This isn't the ass hook one."
UPDATE 10: "I'm sorry, but HUMP! is better than this."
UPDATE 11: "Yakety Sax doesn't usually go on this long."
UPDATE 12: "I think they're—they're germs, living in someone's anus, and they're eating poop and it turns them on."
UPDATE 13: "For the record: I do not have a boner."
The HUMP! jury is adjourning for lunch. Wish us luck.
The HUMP jury has reconvened.
UPDATE 14: "Tired of strap-on dildos, tired of strap-on dildos, tired of strap-on dildos. Balls!"
UPDATE 15: "I keep getting raped, you guys!"
UPDATE 16: "This one smells weird."
UPDATE 17: "Wanna unsee that."
The HUMP! jury has been watching porn—in five minute increments—for eight straight hours. We have been driven to drink. The HUMP! jury sent the HUMP! intern out to get a bottle of Maker's Mark, which is now nearly empty.
UPDATE 18: "The Atari part should be in it because he puts it up his butt later."
UPDATE 19: "Triple rape rainbow—what does it mean?"
UPDATE 20: "The egg pop was pretty great."