Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers welcome their friendly neighbours from Canada, the Toronto Raptors. I know this will come as a shock to most, but it seems like the Blazers have come down with a wee bit of the injury bug. That being the case, here is the current Blazers DeathRace 2010™ breakdown:
Fabricio Oberto: Panicked Diagnosis - Possible heart explosion, retired from the sport of basketball for ever.
Rudy Fernandez: Panicked Diagnosis - Back injury. Dislocated spine, hunchback syndrome, alien pod living in his lower back—that options are endless and all very probable.
Marcus Camby: Panicked Diagnosis - Migraines. It's not a tumor. Or is it?
Eliot Williams: Panicked Diagnosis - Dislocated patella. Out for the year, but his one good knee might be farmed for a possible ligament cadaver.
But worry not, the Blazers just signed forgettable large body Sean Marks to fill in at center position until
he is horrifically injured Joel Przybilla and (maybe) Greg Oden return. Like a new drummer for Spinal Tap, or the promiscuous coed introduced at the beginning of a horror movie, I'm sure he'll be just fine. What's that? A mysterious noise outside our darken cabin? On the same night that all those kids were murdered ten years to this very day? Hey Marks, why don't you go outside and investigate?
Tonight's opponents, the Toronto Raptors are without a doubt the best NBA team in Canada. That is all. After that, not much to say about the Raptors that doesn't involve the following words "Chris Bosh" and "taking my talents to South Beach." The team is 1-4 and GM Bryan Colangelo already has an outfit picked out for the 2011 Draft Lottery.
The Raptors' best player is Andrea Bargnani, a man who makes LaMarcus Aldridge look like Charles Bronson. If he was any softer he'd be made of salt water taffy.
Will the Blazers bounce back from Thursday's devastating overtime lost to the Oklahoma City Thunder? Let me answer that for you. They damn well better. Toronto is very bad at the sport of basketball. If the court doesn't run red with Raptor blood tonight, we got a problem.
Despite migraines, Camby will start tonight. Rudy is doubtful.
10:34 - Jarrett Jack clanking a layup? It's just like old times. Coach Cheeks, get Telfair in this game. 0-0 tie.
9:16 - Aldridge took Bargnani to the basket and was fouled. Here's video of that play. 4-4 tie.
6:33 - Andre Miller gets caught midair during a pass, but is bailed out when a streaking Nicolas Batum cuts to the basket ahead of his defender for an easy layup. Batum also debuts a turnaround jumper on the next possession, but he had less luck with that one. 10-9 Blazers.
4:39 - Wesley Matthews misses a three, but Batum (again!) tips it home. 12-9 Blazers.
3:11 - Batum for three. I don't think anyone else is even playing. It's just Batum alone on the court. 16-9 Blazers.
2:46 - Sean Marks on the court. It's a new era for the Blazers. Mark this moment down. 16-9 Blazers.
1:47 - There is a press row debate if Marks is wearing hightop basketball shoes or a pair of boat shoes. It's really hard to tell. 18-13 Blazers.
0:37 - Dante Cunningham hacks Leandro Barbosa in a bad bad way. What an adorable enforcer he is. 18-17 Blazers.
Stats! The Raptors shot 28% during that first quarter, and Portland didn't fair much better: 37%. Ugly game so far.
12:00 - Luke Babbitt is in the game. Does Nate McMillan see a different scoreboard than we do? Still seems like a one point game to me. 18-17 Blazers.
10:16 - Roy comes alive (like Frampton) for a quick five consecutive points. 23-21 Blazers.
9:24 - Babbitt with a three from the corner. Then a stuff of David Andersen (who?). This terrible game has been taken over by Babbitt, at least it has for the past 30 seconds. 26-22 Blazers.
6:33 - Roy is the first Blazers player to reach double figures, he has 11. That is two more points than the entire starting lineup of the Raptors combined. Catch the fever, Canada! 35-24 Blazers.
4:44 - Camby just left the court to go to the locker room. Well, this can't be good. 35-28 Blazers.
3:32 - Camby is back. Calm down. If you want to learn the fundamentals of basketball, advert your eyes from this game. The Raptors are terrible and it's clearly contagious, since Portland is fairing no better. 35-32 Blazers.
1:39 - Bargnani decided that it would be wise for him—a seven footer—to take the ball the length of the court on a fastbreak. He runs over Camby, travels, then coughs up the ball. Oh God, make the ugly stop. 39-34 Blazers.
0:01 - One final play, so that means Roy dribbles around while the rest of the players play Angry Birds on the iPhone. Roy hits the shot. Halftime. Thank Christ. 45-34 Blazers.
Stats! The Raptors are still at 28% from the field, so they should be thankful they are not down 25 right now. They have missed all nine of their three-point attempts and already have 10 turnovers on the night. Equally as depressing, the fact that the Blazers bench has scored five points combined so far.
10:53 - Reggie Evans is great. All he does is rebound, he clearly has zero interest in anything else. He'll get the board under the basket, and still pass it out to another player. He has nine rebounds so far, two of which came on the last play. 51-41 Blazers.
8:05 - Roy just swats DeMar DeRozan (DeNied!) at the rim. I'm starting to feel bad for the Raptors. This is score is about to get out of control. 57-41 Blazers.
5:22 - Roy heaves up a horrible shot under triple coverage, which ricochets to Aldridge for a dunk. Shot? I mean he totally meant to pass it like that. Just like they drew it up in practice. 63-46 Blazers.
4:38 - With the lead approaching three touchdowns, let the Patty Mills countdown begin. 66-46 Blazers.
4:12 - Roy has zero assists, zero rebounds, and zero steals on the night. MVP! MVP! 69-46 Blazers.
3:19 - Another clank, and that's 0-12 on threes for the Raptors. Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper could shot better than that. Amirite? Right? God, this game is brutal. The Raptors should apologize to the sport of basketball. What did it ever do to them to deserve these blatant disrespect? 71-52 Blazers.
1:43 - Camby just mauled Julian Wright. It was a flagrant. Not sure why people are booing that call. I think Camby stole the fillings out of his mouth during that mugging. 71-57 Blazers.
1:20 - Mills should come in now since Armon Johnson is looks like a trainwreck out there. Three straight turnovers for the rookie. 71-57 Blazers.
Only 12 minutes before this nightmare is over. We can get through this together.
10:47 - The lead that was once 23 is down to 8. If you thought choking away a game to the Thunder was bad... 73-65 Blazers.
9:36 - The Blazers have yet to score in the final quarter. Not a single point. Maybe they can win it with 73? 73-65 Blazers.
8:01 - Roy hits a trick shot jumper to give the Blazers a little more breathing room. 79-67 Blazers.
6:49 - The Raptors have hit a three in 947 straight games. That's over 11 consecutive seasons with at least one made three-pointer. That is insane. It's also an NBA record. So far they are 0-15 tonight. Let's see history get made tonight. 81-67 Blazers.
5:01 - Okay, pull the starters. Got a real game tomorrow against the Lakers. Batum agrees, he hits a three that should just about ends this disaster. 90-69 Blazers.
3:54 - Jack hits a three for the dinosaur team. The streak is safe. 92-71 Blazers.
3:09 - Patty Mills comes in to a standing ovation and a PA-TY MILLS chant. That's how utterly bored this crowd was. 94-72 Blazers.
2:41 - Your Blazers lineup: Sean Marks, Patty Mills, Wesley Matthews, Luke Babbitt, and Dante Cunningham. 95-72 Blazers.
1:22 - If Mills hits the chalupa points this arena will explode. That is all that matters right now. 96-79 Blazers.
0:00 - Hey, it finally ended. Your final score: Blazers 97, Raptors 84. See you Tuesday night.