As some of you already know, I refuse to have a Facebook page, and here are the reasons why:

1) I am old-timey and want you goddamn kids to get off my lawn.
2) I kind of hate people.
3) I'm waaaaaay too busy to put up with any bullshit. (To which one may reply, "Then why do you work for the Mercury? BURN.")
4) I would probably hurt your feelings by unceremoniously "unfriending" you.
5) Justin Bieber would have another reason to continue his restraining order against me.
6) Facebook, like rock 'n' roll, the Tea Party, Justin Bieber, and the Old Spaghetti Factory is gonna be SO OVER, in like, five minutes.

That being said, I understand why some of you like Facebook. And I totally understand why Efi Thodi, the lady in this video, is in desperate need of some… ANY… social network. The name of this song is "Se Gnorisa Sto Facebook" which loosely translates to "OMIGOD, Brad Pitt is totally my Facebook friend, which means he's gonna marry me, right? Right? Too bad he got eaten by a shark."