Since this is my closing week as an intern at the Portland Mercury, this will be the last post in my ongoing series of round-ups about horrific dangers we don't yet know we should be afraid of. But I hope that with the conclusion of this segment, you will keep this terror thriving on your own. Though I may be moving on to my new career as a Chippendales dancer, the merciless peril of the universe isn't going anywhere.
So, what wants to kill me, this week?
1. Grease Fires
As captured by Gawker, this Good Morning America clip demonstrates to us that without a fire extinguisher, you cannot put out a grease fire. Unless you smother it. Oh, wait, that just makes it explode.
Everything about this video is horrible.
Translation: "Remember, lil' comrades, learn your math, or else you won't be able to properly aim your ballistic pencil launcher at the incoming naval attack and will end up being harmlessly stunned by the blast of an American smart bomb. And then, presumably, forced to vote and use the internet."
See you all in hell.