If you are anything like the employees of the Portland Mercury, you freaking hate your office's annual "Secret Santa" gift exchange. Why? Here's why! It takes too goddamn long! And it takes even longer if your officemates are encouraged to "steal" gifts that have already been opened. That's why during the Mercury's "Secret Santa" ceremony, we employ the "Unfuckwithable Wm. Steven Humphrey Rules of Secret Santa Order!"
DON'T SCOFF, A-HOLE! This shit works—we finished this year's 20 person Secret Santa is 11 minutes and 46 seconds FLAT. I AM NOT SHITTING YOU.
Anyway, here are the official "Unfuckwithable Wm. Steven Humphrey Rules of Secret Santa Order!" which you are free to use for your own Secret Santa celebration as long as you announce it as the "Unfuckwithable Wm. Steven Humphrey Rules of Secret Santa Order!"
1) Pile up the prezzies, and assign everyone a number.
2) Announce to everyone the following rules:
2a. "This Secret Santa will be finished in 20 minutes, or I get to keep any unwrapped gifts."
2b. "When I call your number you will have 10 seconds to make your way to the front and choose your present—at 11 seconds, I get your present."
2c. "When you choose a present, you have 20 seconds to unwrap it, hold it over your head, and loudly announce what your present is. At 21 seconds, I keep your present."
2d. "You may steal someone else's present, but you only have 10 seconds to steal and hold up your stolen gift. THAT PRESENT CAN ONLY BE STOLEN TWICE. If that present is stolen three times, I keep that present."
3) Use a stopwatch, and after you call the number, loudly count down how many seconds each person has left. This gets everyone very excited, bloodthirsty, and most importantly, for once in their goddamn lives they pay attention to the proceedings.
In the best case scenario, the "Unfuckwithable Wm. Steven Humphrey Rules of Secret Santa Order!" provides a far more palatable Secret Santa that lasts a reasonable length of time. In the worst case scenario, you go home with a poop-ton of gifts. WIN, WIN, WIN.