Today's Top Story: THIS RAIN! What the fuck?!? (Your conspiracy theories are welcome in the comments below.)
An international campaign to force Libyan leader Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi out of power heats up, with our own Hillary Clinton warning him (in so many words) "move out the way, bitch!"
Possibly in response, Qaddafi bombs the crap out of a military base held by protesters.
Obama takes a swipe at dickhole governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin, saying that public employees should not be "vilified".
Protesters hold strong in Wisconsin, vowing to remain at the capitol until the aforementioned dickhole Scott Walker stops his plan to squash worker rights.
Former House Speaker and current hillbilly Newt Gingrich is expected to run for president in 2012.
Congressman David Wu discusses his "bad reaction to a common mental health drug" that made him act all wacky and dress up in a tiger suit—and David? You can be quiet now. Besides the increasingly desperate WW and Oregonian, NOBODY CARES.
Portland settles two more lawsuits stemming from police misconduct, this time to the tune of $140,000.
The youth culture catering and subsequently boring Oscars were last night, and The King's Speech won everything. Too long, too British, didn't see.
Speaking of catering to the youth culture, Facebook's Like button gets a facelift.
Today in Charlie Sheen: Here's what he said today on NBC. "I'm tired of pretending like I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending like I'm not bitching a total freaking rock star from Mars. And people can't figure me out. They can't process me. I don't expect them to. You can't process me with a normal brain." YES! YES! YES!!!!!!!!
Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: YOU WILL CONTINUE TO DROWN FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK.
And finally, because it's such a shitty day... MONKEY IN A BUNNY SUIT! MONKEY IN A BUNNY SUIT! MONKEY IN A BUNNY SUIT!!