ATTN. SHITSTACHES: Why are you here? Are your computers broken? Are you incapable of navigating to any blogs that aren't fucking awful?

• Ned Lannamann was forced to write about a band people have actually heard of. Naturally, he found the experience excruciating.

• Tony Perez advocated the drowning of kittens.

• Sarah Mirk's streak of hard-hitting exposés continued with a whimpering complaint about how she is too poor to buy pizza. HA!

• Producing Mercury content in his usual manner, Wm. Steven Humphrey blogged while taking a shit.

• Inspired, perhaps, by her boss' toilet-related mumblings, Courtney Ferguson explained in great detail how filthy the Mercury bathroom is. Hey, Courtney: Do something worthwhile for once.

• Steph Stricklen was beautiful.

• In an excellent example of the sort of decision that put journalism in the proud position it is today, it was revealed that Mercury pays for Ezra "Ace" Caraeff to go get drunk at SXSW.

• Erik Henriksen droned on about comics. This post is the electronic equivalent of someone writing "kick me" on a piece of notebook paper and then taping it to their own back.

• Marjorie Skinner and Alison Hallett spent the week in their depressing little rented domiciles, forcing their cats to spend time with them.

I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.