Creating the Mercury week after week is like feeding a rabid hippo. The hippo must be fed, and if not? The hippo will attack and give you rabies. That's why I like to start every morning by giving the staff an inspirational speech. It might go something like this:
"Ahem... Get to work, you fucking ugly hipsters! Or I swear to Christ, I'll kick your vagina up into your ear."
Something like that. But this morning, I've decided to bring in a special motivational guest speaker, the world-wide inspirational phenomenon known as Tim "Wild Thing" Lepard. Listen and take to heart to his message of perseverance, dog-riding monkeys, and truck-climbing goats, and I promise you, you'll be prepared to fuck this day sideways.

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