SEAR THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION INTO YOUR MIND: Tune those TV sets or DVRs to KATU (channel 2) tonight at 7 pm to see the Mercury's own news editor Denis Theriault compete in the greatest TV game show ever created, Jeopardy!
Will Denis emerge victorious, and be carried around the Mercury office on our shoulders? Or will he LOSE, embarrass the shit out of us, and be forced to run the dreaded "Mercury Gauntlet" (where we form two lines, and he runs in between us as we slap his naked ass with sharpened belt buckles and broken whiskey bottles)? THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!
(Actually there's two ways: 1) Tune in and watch, or 2) Read Denis' hilarious feature story about his Jeopardy! adventure in tomorrow's edition of the Mercury!)

GOOD LUCK, DENIS!!