My wife and I were together for six years total, though only three of them were married years. We met in graduate school, and got married. After two years of marriage we stopped having sex regularly and things quickly fell apart. We were divorced in January of this year. Just a short two weeks after the official hearing, I stumbled upon FetLife looking to make connections and, face it, free porn. I have been interested in BSDM activity for almost nine years, but living in small cities in the Midwest does not make it easy to meet people who aren't completely insane. Of course, as you can probably guess, I stumbled upon my ex, a woman who became angry the one time when I played too rough with her nipples and, the one time I DID get a little rough with her person, told me and all my friends that I treated her like a prostitute. Basically, she's gone from our marriage straight into painslut mode, letting some piercer in town she barely knows paddle and cane her, THEN posting pictures of it to FetLife for anyone to see. The final insult is that a married couple of mutual friends are broadcasting over "secret" Twitter accounts their plans to set up some sort of sexual relationship with my ex. I'm really angry and confused, and I feel like I've lost a lot of friend in a divorce I wasn't thrilled about in the first place. Should I just burn every bridge or up my medication?

Sincerely,

Dr. What. The. Fuck.


My response after the jump...

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That's not really an either/or question, D.W.T.F. There's nothing about burning every bridge that would prevent you from upping your meds and vice-versa.

Moving on: I don't know what's up with your ex-wife. Maybe she was dying to do this stuff when you were together but had serious hangups about doing it with you—someone she loves/loved—and saw divorce and non-committal play with skeezy piercers and creepy marrieds as her only route to sexual self-fulfillment. Or maybe she hadn't accepted that she was into kink back when you were being "a little rough" with her nipples and/or her person and she was externalizing an internal conflict and her own self-loathing when she accused you of treating her like a prostitute. Or maybe you got rough with her nipples and person in a ways that didn't make her feel safe. Or maybe it was something else. Couldn't tell ya.

But I can tell you this: If you were doing something wrong—if your approach to women or BDSM is off-putting and scary—it would be helpful for you to know what you were doing wrong as you prepare to explore the BDSM scene. And guess who might have some really good feedback for you?

Your ex-wife.

You seem a bit aggro about the whole marriage-ending-in-divorce/loss-of-mutual-friends thing and it's possible that you have every right to feel aggro because it's possible that you were the wronged party. But if you can set aside your anger long enough to have a conversation with your ex-wife about your marriage and your sexual relationship, D.W.T.F., she might provide you with some invaluable feedback. (I'm assuming, of course, that she's not a complete psycho and isn't entirely to blame for everything.)

So why not reach out to her? Email her via her profile at FetLife. Be polite, be upbeat. Tell her that you ran across her profile and tell her that you're happy she's out there having fun. Then tell her that you're also exploring BDSM these days and, as your paths may cross (small town, small BDSM scene), it would be great if you two were on speaking terms. Then after emphasizing that you are not hitting on her, ask her for some constructive criticism. There were times in your marriage when you attempted to initiate a little rough sex—much less rough than the sex she enjoys now—and it didn't go well. Why not? Were you doing something wrong? Or was she just not ready?

There's a chance she'll engage in a little self-serving, revisionist history; she may inflate your wrongs in order to justify her decision to leave and/or excuse the way she projected her self-loathing onto you. But there's a chance she'll come through with some helpful advice and/or an explanation that will alleviate your confusion if not your anger.

Good luck.