The following juicy sounding Portland Police Bureau bulletin just came in, and totally got my hopes up…before turning into a crashing disappointment. Check it out:
The Portland Police Bureau, in cooperation with Crime Stoppers, is asking for the public's help in identifying a bank robbery suspect nicknamed "The Civil War Bandit."
OOH!! So what could it be? A guy who dresses up like Robert E. Lee and robs bank employees with a saber? Does he only demand worthless Confederate money?
Investigators believe that "The Civil War Bandit" is responsible for three Portland-area bank robberies. In each of the three robberies, the suspect has presented a demand note and has left the area on foot after obtaining an undisclosed amount of money.
OOH! Does he eventually escape on a horse, or jump on a thundering stagecoach? Does his "demand note" say something like, "My Dearest Cecily: It is with most heavy heart that I separate you from your father's treasury. Rest assured, while your gold pieces may be gone, I leave in it's place my eternal love. Your obedient servant, The Civil War Bandit."
The suspect is described as a white male in his late 40s or early 50s, 5'10" tall, thin build and an acne-scarred face. The suspect may also be wearing a fake mustache.
OOH! Okay, now he sounds a bit less sexy... unless he's Edward James Olmos! Also... fake mustache! SWOON.
The suspect has been nicknamed "The Civil War Bandit" because in one of the robberies, he is wearing a University of Oregon Ducks t-shirt and an Oregon State University baseball cap. The athletic rivalry between the two schools is known as "The Civil War."
From here on out the Portland Police Bureau will no longer be allowed to name bank robbers. How about naming him "Just Another Douchebag Bandit" instead? Your nominations (which simply could not be worse) are welcome in the comments. Your obedient servant, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey