It's the story, of a lovely lady, who was having sex with the mayor of New York. But the mayor of New York had crabs, and this is all leading to a joke about how those bugs ended up in the nice lady's curls.

I like girls who wear Abercrombie & Fitch. But if any of those girls is a Muslim, and wears a hijab while working her thankless job in the stockroom of my Axe-stinking, pop-infused, A&F-owned store, I will ruthlessly fire her.

Smelling the tension among NATO members as the alliance's Libya campaign drags on far longer than expected, Moammar Qaddafi surfaces to repeat an offer of "national dialogue" and a vote on whether he should stay or go.

Where's Hugo Chavez? Inquiring Venezuelan minds want to know.

Why is Barack Obama seeing green? The Washington Post has decided to question the motives behind the president's commitment to clean technology. Is he a true believer? Or is he rewarding potential political allies with government largesse? You can probably stop reading after the story's first quote: a lament from the American Petroleum Association. No shit. (The Post also has its ombudsman attempt to explain why it punted Jose Antonio Vargas' immigration confession—shocking, since he won his Pulitzer there and gave them first dibs—to the New York Times.

DVR junkies who just can't be bothered to watch their favorite television programs online—or, you know, gee, wow!, at the appointed time when the networks are actually broadcasting them—are wasting millions of dollars on electricity. Thanks, convenience culture!

Hey, look! In largely meaningless early polling in Iowa, Michele Bachmann is right behind Cialis commercial actor Mitt Romney in the race to win the state's GOP presidential nod. Mitt better have a talk with himself in the mirror. Stat!

Speaking of Michele Bachmann, she might not like welfare or food stamps or Medicare, but she does, apparently, take a shine to farm subsidies for her personal farm, grant money for her husband's clinic, and stimulus projects for her voters.

Gasping to remain relevant enough to sell a few more books, Newt Gingrich pretends he's still running for president and says sour things about same-sex marriage.

Set upon by the law, but also by rival hackers amped up by the taste of blood, Lulz Security, the outfit that cyber-attacked the CIA, Sony, etc., has announced it is disbanding.

In terrible local news, Portland cops announced this morning that they're investigating a pair of slayings. One man was found shot on NE 82nd Avenue, and another was found stabbed to death at NW 6th and Davis.

In more terrible local news, a gay man walking home from a club near NW 2nd and Flanders was beaten and mocked by two men who asked him for directions. The suspects in the beating, also accused of attacking a second person who tried to stop the assault, turned themselves in after cops showed up to investigate.

I WANT TO BE HAPPY. CAN YOU MAKE ME HAPPY? PRETTY PLEASE? WITH CHERRIES AND SUGAR AND GRAIN ALCOHOL ON TOP?